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Illustration: The Magazine of Yoga

June Diary: The Loss of Precious Free Time

BY MAGAZINE COLUMNIST JOANNA HELLER

When my cell phone buzzes I jump … every time.
As in uh oh, what’s happening now?

Anyway, a while ago, my cell phone buzzed and I jumped.

Hi ma, David’s got the big tour.

This is really good news for my son-in-law David, but I know what comes next. Mom I need you to pick up Jacob after school.

So this is not a one shot deal, this is every day … for how long?
Not sure yet.

It’s my turn

Time turns on a dime, doesn’t it. Or a telephone ring.

So far this spring, I’d been hanging loose, really loose. Wake up, read and write, get breakfast, more reading or writing, some time on my yoga mat, go for a walk. Pick up groceries, go home and make lunch. Watch a movie. Take a nap. Totally delicious retirement time.

Now all upended, my boundless hours are gone. My days have a new form and some real boundaries. So I have some work to do. I thought it would be child care. But no. It is reframing my feeling about time. Jacob takes care of his time just fine. I don’t do nearly as well.

This is a steep learning curve.

Time longed for, putting myself on hold

In my years raising two kids and teaching, I knew one day my time would be my own.

I will retire from teaching, my children will be independent, and I will have endless time and my own space. One way or another, an open road. I had no idea what this road would look like, only that it would be mine and it would be open. I would own this time.

Hah.

Using time, wasting time, killing time and filling time. I was pretty good at biding time. Take your time. Time flies … it’s only a matter of time. They’re all true.

Time on my hands. I always wanted more.

Not what I had planned

Five days a week now, the day I choose in the morning now comes to a stop at 2:30 in the afternoon so I can get ready to get to Jacob’s school. It returns at about eight at night when Deborah has come home, everyone has debriefed and I get back home.

Is this time lost? Reframing, stay with me.

One: Stop thinking about time lost from the day I expected to have … evidently I have spent far too many years holding my breath for this one. Stop. And pay attention to the day I have.

Really now, is it so important that I could be home keeping the house in order, or reading while my washing machine does its work? Think of all the people filling or killing time while trying to escape those things.

Pay attention to the day I have

Retraining my thinking is harder work than I’d planned on needing to do just now. Pay attention to the game of monopoly. Pay attention to walking to the mailbox and be with Jacob’s moments of delight or moments of frustration and his nine year old commentary on life.

Maintaining a calm balance sitting alone on the mat is one thing. Maintaining this balance while being with a kid is another. A kid is definitely a moment focused role model.

I read Pema Chodron, I read Jon Kabat-Zinn, I sit and try to focus on my breath but of course it doesn’t always work that well. The struggle remains and I slip away. Being with a kid pretty much prevents escape from the moment.

A kid is a good zen teacher. They hang the unanswerable in front of your face. And they keep pulling you back to now.

Work work work.

© 2011, The Magazine of Yoga, LLC.